So I`ve been working all day -- and I`ve had A LOT of time to really think about what`s been goin` on between Trevor and I...  So me being the clever girl I can be [sometimes] decided I would post EXACTLY what I`d LOVE to say to him [but of course in a blog he isn`t familar with, incase I do use this in the near future]  It just sounds like a good idea to me right now.  So this - is going out to Trevor, but it`s not - if you follow.

Right now - please be completely straight forward with me.  Do you want to continue with this?  If you say no - that`s COMPLETELY fine.  It`ll take me some time to get over you, but let it be known, I CAN and WILL move on from you.  However, if you do decide that this isn`t what you had pictured - keep this in mind.  All relationships are work, some more than others due to personality clashes [as I believe we have] ect.  But if you view our relationship with enough problems to just end it, then you have a long, long, long---long road ahead of you sweetheart.  Take it from someone who`s been in the "serious" dating scene since she was about 12 1/2, and had been engaged previous.  The problems we seem to re-encounter everyday, are only flukes that can be worked with, but ONLY if both of us is willing to alter a few habbits of ours.  If quitting seems to be the only solution for you, then you may want to get use to the fact of you being lonely for sometime.  For example...  You view me to be 'too emotional.'  You religiously speak that "It`s so hard to talk to her because she cries over everything."  Think about it.  We show the exact same amount of emotion --- and before you open your mouth to argue this, as I know you will...  Hear me out.  I can`t talk to you without you getting angry/upset or wanting to hold a grudge against me.  If I`m not mistaken, anger is an emotion just as crying is.  It`s just two VERY opposite ways of showing it.  And perhaps the reason as to why I cry over everything you speak to me about is because of the way you explain it/say it.  You seem to have so much anger in your voice when we`re discussing flaws of our relationship, you always seem to pinpoint, and ALWAYS ALWAYS have to get the last word in.  Now I can work with this --- maybe not so much how hold your grudges [example within an exmaple... You need "space" I haven`t called you since Thursday afternoon if im correct --- here it is Tuesday morning - I haven`t heard from you.  Not even an attempt.  I haven`t seen you since Thursday as well.  Again, not a big deal, I can work with it if I have to...  But what is a girl supposed to think when she doesn`t hear from her boyfriend in a while [example within and example within an example --- Me "assuming" you don`t want to be with me/care about me.]  This is something that has helped me really think about what I do/say before I do/say it.  Put yourself in the other persons shoes.  Now maybe in this case it wouldn`t work out so well - just because as we are having problems with...  We both deal with our emotions in two completely opposite ways.  Yeah, I have a lot of things I need to work on, and yeah, I know, nobody is perfect.  But I hear you feel that you "put so much into our relationship - and feel that you get nothing back."  How can you get anything back if you aren`t letting me?  I began to put in the effort of calling you and asking you to hang out and I get pushed away because I`m being too clingy.  And you feel that you`re always trying to make me happy?  Well don`t make me sad and you won`t have to work your ass off to make me happy.  Relationships are about concern/caring going out of your way and not thinking about yourself first, calling up the person sparaticly, just saying hey, trying to find time for them, letting them know they`re cared about, letting them know that they`re more "special" than anyone else in their life, hence the reason for them being your partner of choice, being that lended ear or shoulder to cry on reguards happy or sad tears - when [another example, since I`ve last talked to you Thursday] lost a best friend, two of the closest people in my family had been hospitalized [one still is] getting my final acceptance to law school,  finding out the reason to my stomache pain, getting an apartment, or just being completely depressed because I had be shut completely out of your life and hadn`t been able to eat, sleep, concentrate because I`m scared I`ve done something so terribly wrong.  That`s a lot of fucking shit for a girl to be going through in less than a weeks time.  And everytime one of those occured, you were the first person who had came to my mind - but then realized, I couldn`t call him, and share the good/or bad news with you because you were rebelling and needed space.

Goddamnit that felt so fucking good to unload.  Now I`m going to stick with what I said within the first few sentences.  Reguardless of what happens between Trevor and I, I can and will be OKAY - with maybe a little time, although after not hearing from him in so long won`t have me too upset with him if worst comes to worst considering the amount of pain he`s already put me through this last week especially.  I`m not sure I could hurt anymore than I have these past few days.  And you know what --- If he decides it`s only best that we live our own seperate lives without eachother in it, it`s his motherfuckingloss.  Because as his best friend has told me, "I`ve been nothing but a sweetheart to him", I gave it my all and if that still doesn`t satisfy him --- as Katie put it ever so bluntly "fuck that fucker"  And if you do stumble upon and read this Trevor [clarification... I`m not calling you a fucker, nor is Katie.   It`s simply a phrase we used a while go and she used it again today in a conversation we had and it`s all just an inside joke that will never be explainable - so just don`t worry, you aren`t a fucker.] 

Because we all know that`s the LAST thing I need with all this un-needed and useless already drama.  "Sam, what did you do now? Why is Trevor mad and not calling you for a week a g a i n?"  ... "He assumed I called him a fucker in a Xanga that I was hoping not anybody even really remembered..."

So let me warn you - before you continue.  I`m gonna go on again about Mike so if you`re sick of hearing about him, I would suggest that you don`t persist...

I`m absolutely CRAZY about this kid.  I adore him soooo much and I`m soooo scared.  Scared that everything is going to be picture perfect - then he`ll get ripped away from me, or more like volunteer to leave me to go to college somewhere else which looks like the case as of now.  I fall more and more for this guy each day we`re together and I know I`m going to get hurt - it`s just the matter of when - and how long into us being together will determine how much I get hurt.  Although - I don`t think I could like him much more than I already do, so I`m about at the max level of heartbreak - which is a scary thing. 

I guess theres more to relationships than I thought, I`ve been through a lot of heartache in my past but as I think of it - I`ve been more the cause of heartaches ie. heartbreaker.  I guess risks have to be taken and I`m not sure if I can handle those risks, esp. if being hurt by Mike is one of them.  I am soooooooooooo scared